


Lokasenna on a Helicarrier

by aaurita



Category: Norse Religion & Lore, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BAMF Loki, Crack, Gen, Helicarrier, Loki Does What He Wants, Old Norse, Physics, Skaldic Verse, flyting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-22
Updated: 2013-11-22
Packaged: 2018-01-02 08:44:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1054787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aaurita/pseuds/aaurita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fic written in metered verse, in which an Old Norse poem-- the Lokasenna-- is re-purposed for a scene aboard the Avengers Helicarrier where Loki insults everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lokasenna on a Helicarrier

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Lokasenna](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/31186) by unknown Viking poet. 



> Warning for high levels of medievalist nerdiness, and some physics jokes.
> 
> This fic uses a loose approximation of a skaldic (medieval Scandinavian) verse form with an alliterated rhyme scheme. Another skaldic technique is the use of "kennings"-- referring to people or objects in a roundabout/metaphorical fashion instead of naming them directly. For example, Loki is referred to as "Mischief-Monger," "Burden of Sigyn's Arms," and "Originator of Deceit" throughout the original Norse texts.

_Nick Fury the Eye-patched Agent, also called Fury the Badass, had prepared an invisible flying aircraft carrier for the Avengers, and the Agent Coulson had got several mighty twenty-four-packs of ale.  To this aircraft carrier came Steve Rogers called Captain America who was revived after decades in ice, and Tony Stark the Iron Man, Howard's son. The warrior Hawkeye came not, as he was bound in Loki’s enchantment.  Natasha Romanov the Black Widow, Hawkeye’s companion was there, and Bruce Banner who is sometimes called Hulk, and Thor Odinsson with his hammer Mjollnir.  Many were there also of the soldiers and secret forces, and all had weapons. The glittering Tesseract cube was in possession of Fury, and Agent Coulson was much enamored with Steve, and great was the apparent peace._  
  
 _Loki Laufeysson would not endure this; he stole the Tesseract and went to subjugate Germany. So the Avengers assembled and Steve threw his shield and Tony harnessed the power of his arc-reactor and thus they took Loki. But then Thor arrived late and he was stubborn and the Asgardians escaped._  
  
 _Loki was left alone with his foster-brother, and Loki spoke:_  
The airship flies, and there I'll go  
Th'Assembling to see.  
I'll visit the Avengers all,  
And blend their beer with bile.  
   
 _Thor spoke:_  
O Sky-walker, my kin and friend,  
This dream is naught but death.  
Now hasten home, and hear my plea:  
In Asgard, Loki's loved.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
In Asgard, Loki lives in fear--  
Don't slander, Jotun-Slayer!  
But Midgard shall submit with glee,  
So muahahahaha.  
   
 _Then came Tony in his armor of gleaming iron and Howard’s son spoke:_  
Oh shit, it’s Shakespeare in the park—  
You bros have wrecked such ruin!  
You’re mangling all Maxwell's Laws!  
Hey Reindeer, make your move.  
   
 _And there was a battle and the Avengers took Loki again and Fury locked him in an impenetrable glass cell where the floor could contract and thus Loki would fall many leagues to the ground should he provoke mischief._  
  
 _Loki spoke:_  
Director, you are desperate  
You secret-keeper sly,  
Considering these creatures lost  
Defenders of the Earth?  
   
 _Fury spoke:_  
How desperate, you damned ET?  
You curse my world with war.  
You made me mighty desperate.  
Might not be glad you did.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
Now Tesseract-Fumbler, tell me pray,  
Can ants take arms 'gainst boots?  
You came so close to power real,  
But feeble forces fail.  
   
 _Fury spoke:_  
Misfortune, Mischief-Monger, plagues  
Your every pointless plan.  
Some magazine or something else  
For Mr. Real Power?  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
You lie to those you lead to war,  
You fool! And you forget,  
Your heroes aren't an army but  
A powerful powder-keg.  
   
 _Then Natasha Romanov came into the hall._  
  
 _Natasha spoke:_  
You took an archer, tell me now--  
What will you want from Clint?  
Though love's for children, let me know  
My debt is due to him.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
Your Hawkeye won't his wits regain,  
Until your corpse is cold,  
Until he kills you tortuously  
In every way you fear.  
   
 _Natasha spoke:_  
You, Loki, are a monstrous man—  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
Kill all you can to cleanse your sins,  
You'll never bleach the blood.  
You call me monster, mewling quim?  
But you have brought the beast!  
   
 _Natasha spoke:_  
Keep Banner busy in the lab,  
And wait, I’m on my way!  
My thanks to you for your support,  
Assisting all of us.  
   
 _And then the other Avengers came in with Coulson, but when they who were there saw who was imprisoned and how he smiled, they were all silent._  
  
 _Loki spoke:_  
Ye heroes, hail! Ye human scum,  
Psychotics, killers, hail!  
'Cept yonder Captain chorus girl,  
That sap o’er there called Steve.  
   
 _Steve spoke:_  
You're cruel and callous, careless too  
You seek to supplant God--  
But be aware that we're a team,  
Avengers will avenge.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
You spangled, spandexed savior,  
Outdated and antique.  
For here’s no place for heroes now,  
This world’s not black and white.  
   
 _Steve spoke:_  
You look here, Loki Laufey’s son  
Valor is valued still.  
Don’t seek enslavement of the Earth,  
You megalomaniac!  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
Your motherland has lost its way,  
Imperialist and proud.  
But as for stars and stripes, what says  
The Weapons-Dealing one?  
                   
 _Tony spoke:_  
Let’s not discuss old businesses,  
You bastard, brash and bold.  
If you antagonize our team,  
Don’t get too arrogant.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
You say that I'm conceited, yes?  
Stark Skyline-Plasterer?  
And Howard's son, you have no right  
To discourse on my dad.  
   
 _Tony spoke:_  
Oh Loki, Wormhole-Wanderer.  
You’ve scorned the brains you scored;  
A scientist you should have been  
But now your work is naught.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
When Pepper finds a faithful mate,  
Your life will loveless be.  
You'll always have more ale than friends  
Poor metal-hearted man.  
   
 _Bruce spoke:_  
Enough! I'd trade the Tesseract,  
And Coulson's card of Cap,  
To cease this senseless quarrel here,  
Before you rouse my wrath.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
Irradiated, Ire-filled One  
Of all the heroes here,  
Most cowardly in life are you,  
And petrified of power.  
   
 _Bruce spoke:_  
Were I without as I'm within,  
You'd greet the Other Guy.  
I'd shatter skulls quite shamelessly;  
We'd fall to death and doom.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
Your speech is bold; not so your deeds,  
Oh Bench-Adorner Bruce!  
For warmongers will wield your might,  
You can't escape yourself.  
   
 _Coulson spoke:_  
Don't anger Bruce, you're brash to make  
This Doctor dare turn green.  
If you should fight, we'd fall forthwith  
And splash into the sea.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
What feeble creature's crawling here,  
Who snuffles, snaps about?  
At Fury's heels you'll hasten 'round,  
Or chase and cheer the Cap.  
   
 _Coulson spoke:_  
You're drunk, I say, your deeds are mad--  
You’ll run yourself to ruin.  
Conviction leads to victory,  
And that, Loki, you lack.  
                                     
 _Loki spoke:_  
You’re nothing but a normal man,  
You stupid son of Coul.  
I laugh at mortal’s mutterings--  
My army will arise.  
   
 _Coulson spoke:_  
Spectrometers are trembling,  
I think that Thor has come,  
To silence he who slanders all,  
Together gods and men.  
  
 _Then came Thor forth, and spoke:_  
My hammer strong shall stop your mouth,  
This mighty Mjollnir here.  
Your shoulder-cliff I'll cleave right off  
And thus you'll lose your life.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
Oh look, the Midgard-lover comes--  
Why threats so loud, dear Thor?  
Less fierce you fought with the Destroyer  
Allfather’s banished boy.  
   
 _Thor spoke:_  
My hammer strong shall stop your mouth,  
This mighty Mjollnir here.  
Your mischief will be nevermore,  
And down you’ll drown below.  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
In desert diners did you hide,  
And thought you were not Thor.  
You smoldered ‘midst the small-town shops,  
Too weak to wield your might.  
   
 _Thor spoke:_  
My hammer strong shall stop your mouth,  
This mighty Mjollnir here.  
My hand shall smite with Hrungnir’s-slayer  
‘Til broken be your bones!  
   
 _Loki spoke:_  
I’ve said to the Avengers all  
The things that whet my thoughts.  
Before my brother I will break,  
He throws no idle threats.  
Assembled for the final time  
Is Fury’s furious team.  
And ere this airship safely lands  
My flickering flames shall fly!  
   
 _And after that the Agent Barton called Hawkeye arrived under Loki’s enchantment and he detonated several explosions, and the aircraft fell to the sea amidst much mayhem and thus continued the Avengers’ saga._


End file.
